Grief After Loss; Navigation of Life Changes

I’ve been asked to hold some talks recently, also noticing the same theme of conversation when speaking with different groups of people, so, why not share these perceptions with the wider world?

During the summer I was asked to do a talk by a company called Anubix, an afterlife imaging company, and it feels like a good time so share what I put together.

I realised I had the ability to delve deep into my psyche, finding that people were falling onto my path who needed and wanted gentleness, compassion and tailored support for themselves.  

This aspect of me came to the surface after I hit an incredibly difficult period in life. I decided to leave my full time job in finance to allow myself a full recalibration, healing period, to follow the flow of my body clock and explore my unique skillset. It’ a period which had taken me much longer than I had anticipated, and it’s taken 5 years of this process for me to have the courage to begin to explore the big wide world again

My own journey and experiences have enabled me the ability to relate to each person who opens up to me in a unique way.

I found that people wanted to make sense of who they are, why they are feeling the way they are feeling, and why they are experiencing what they are experiencing, as I took time and space to explore all of this within myself

My own trauma taught me a lot about life, loss, how to navigate treacherous waters and unchartered territory, and how to support others in doing the same.

My own pain and loneliness taught my heart that if I can experience pain so intensely, then I can experience love in the same way.

If I wasn’t receiving it, I was going to make sure I give it at every opportunity to compensate.

When we mention grief and loss in conversation, the usual situation we think of is the death of a loved one.

Grief also comes during a process of change and transition where it serves us well to accommodate the processing of any kind of loss in the same way, which could be:

·      The ending of a relationship (romantic, friendship and family)

·      The ending of a job or career

·      An illness or injury

·      Life not going the way we planned or had thought it would

There is a lot to process during a phase of change and transition, one that is full of complexity; the situation itself, the mind and nervous system processing the shock of what has happened, sometimes with the body catching up on unprocessed emotions later down the line if bypassing acceptance of the situation.

When we experience a soul shock, there are usually three reactions; Feeling out of control with the sudden shakeup causing chaos within you, likely passing this forward into the world and causing chaos around you by reacting with panic, fear and anxiety causing rash decision making from an unbalanced placed.

Another reaction is numbness; the shock of what has happened or happening causes life to pause. You can’t move, your life goes on hold, there is no hope, no reason to live, no reason to give anything to the world. How can you when you feel you have nothing to give? There’s a deep unhappiness and lack within.

The third, is for a person to find reason. Acceptance. To balance the situation and make peace with it.

When we experience our pain and react in one of the first two ways, we can often find we end up losing a lot of people around us. It’s not until we come up for air that we see the destruction caused by either forcefulness or avoidance.

Whatever the cause of our grief, and whatever side of the seesaw we are on, we are all constantly processing something and navigating an ever changing set of circumstances and emotions.

We all see and interpret the world differently. Some are better equipped at dealing with emotional pain, others are better equipped at dealing with physical pain.

It serves us well to not highlight that one is more or less of an experience than the other. Two people are experiencing the uncomfortable feeling of pain and navigating new territory, often at the others end of the spectrum.

It is useful to acknowledge how we see a situation, and bear in mind that others will perceive through the lens of what they are currently processing and how they are feeling about themselves.

Many people project their internal processing onto the world, especially with those they feel most safe in expressing their emotions with.

Such is the process of grief; someone’s pain and anger may be heightened so much that they are unable to regulate themselves emotionally.

They are reliant on the need of another to show compassion and understanding. They may need space to navigate their new situation and be fearful; attacking as the safety blanket has been removed and they’re vulnerable with the great big gaping hole they now find in their heart. This is especially the case when there has been a sudden and unexpected change.

How many times do we ask a person who chooses to project pain onto us what they are going through?

I’m sure we’ve all heard that hurt people hurt people, thankfully the world brings us balance as a soft and understanding heart brings the necessary energy to counteract this.

As creatures of logic and reason, we often seek answers; What happened? How has it happened? Why has it happened?

We can often shoulder the blame or feel there is something preventative we could have done; cue guilt, blame and shame.

We seek closure. We cannot force ourselves into closure. It’s a process, and one we allow to flow on its own course as we allow our hearts to heal.

As each of us differ, so does the process of grief. It can take any length of time to work through; days, weeks months even years.

Have you ever made peace with yourself and a situation, quickly bouncing back to a place of joy and contentment, to then be slammed by another for feeling this way instead of feeling sombre ‘too soon’?

Other times we carry on with life as though nothing has happened; avoidance, until something else comes around to force the unprocessed emotions to come to the surface once more

Often when we first experience a traumatic event, we will likely have people rally around us, until time passes and life moves on. What are we left with?

The reminder that as support decreases, the void of the departed person not being around can trigger an abandonment wound, a sense of loneliness and isolation.

What happens if we were reliant on the departed person for any kind of support? There is bound to be a huge gap left; a pool of pain in which we must learn to swim again, only this time without the usual aid.

What happens if we don’t have anyone to support us? A feeling of loneliness as this space is navigated, heightened by the void of loss.

Even if a person does seemingly have physical support, mere presence is often not enough if the people we are with are not present with us, if they are not relating with us on the emotional level.

When an event happens to trigger us emotionally, we usually revert to a point in our childhood, or the last traumatic event experienced that left us vulnerable or where we felt the most pain (emotionally or physically, possibly even both).

All of this designed to teach us that although we are beings of connection, and connect we must, it serves us well to also bear a level of self-reliance and resilience.

With this self-reliance and resilience, we can get ourselves through anything should the people we usually rely on not be able to or want to support us for whatever reason.

Loss can also cause us to have trust issues;

·      Trust in ourselves to hold ourself and walk forward in life

·      Trust that life will not give us another knock when we are already down and out

·      Trust that even if we are once again on our knees in despair, we will find the tools we need and use them to navigate through

·      Trust in others to not choose to use our pain and suffering against us when we share our stories

·      Trust in ourselves that our inner compass is safe to follow, always

·      Trust that

It is ok to make mistakes, it is ok to be messy, it is ok to rest, it is ok to be wherever we are, as where we are is where we need to be at that particular moment in time

I personally find it very courageous when a person reaches out to ask for help and support, especially when they have been through a situation of loss or deceit.

To place trust in someone, to trust in themselves, to admit vulnerability when already vulnerable, not knowing what they are navigating or how to navigate it.

I personally find it very courageous when a person is able to face fear head on and choose to continue to walk forward, even though they feel heavy and broken in the depths of despair and darkness, to change path or course of action, to look at how they see and process the world through the events of grief and loss, designed to shake a being to their core.

Rebuilding foundations after a shakeup comes during a phase of acceptance. It can be hard to accept that where we are in life is far from where we want to be. It can be hard to accept that what has happened has happened.

To be in this space requires some inner self reflection and acknowledgment that somewhere along the line we have not made the best choices for ourselves; that could be through giving away our personal power, or overlooking our own needs to be too accommodating to another.

We can spend a long time helping someone to chase their own dreams while we neglect to take steps towards chasing our own.

We can also become too consumed in ourselves that we forget about those around us. We can’t take back time once it has passed, however we can to an extent plan, not too far ahead, and dice up the time we do have for the people and things that are important to us.

It is often an event that causes a shake up, an event designed to give us a wake up call, that enables us to look at our situations and take action to adjust, adapt and flow, taking a different course of action that allows us to walk a different path, yielding different results.

In accepting that we are far from where want to be, it sets the scene to comparatively look at the ideal life.

Even if it seems an extreme contrast from the present situation, building foundations towards a future goal will bring its own challenges, healing, hardships, rewards, joy and contentment.

Whatever path we choose, we experience lessons, they just show up in different ways.

It is your path, it is your journey, it is your process.

Walk with fulfilment, walk with a trusting, loving and giving heart.

When we ask what we can give, not what we can get, inner peace is often found.

It’s this inner peace that allows us to navigate any eventuality in life; the highs, the lows, the detours, the calm and flowing waters.

On the mention of flowing waters, the most important thing we can all do for ourselves is to allow our emotions to flow in a safe environment, whether that be with someone else to offer emotional support (hi!), or if you’re one to prefer to process alone. Become authentic with your heart space, allow the ebb and flow of life to carry you, controlling only your inner critic.