As we develop and grow, as we accept situations and reflect upon them at different stages of life, how we feel about and view situations changes. Sometimes we don't voluntarily sit and ponder on past events, or people, however sometimes the universe puts us in situations to enforce something that has not been processed to be released, only this time, we're ready to face what was not faced before
As many of you know, one way of me explaining what I mean is by sharing personal anecdotes...grab a cuppa, this might be a long one!
So, yesterday morning (Saturday 7th October 2023), I was fighting off some difficult energy (not mine). I decided to get out of bed earlier than usual, grab a coffee and bite to eat, taking it down to the river to do some releasing and meditation. With my favourite local coffee shop not open yet, I passed a café and decided to let them cook a full English breakfast (It's been a long time since I've had breakfast cooked for me, and I was feeling burdened with the everyday chores of cooking, cleaning, buying groceries etc). What a treat for me to sit and allow myself to enjoy a delicious breakfast, overlooking a park I sometimes like to sit. I was fully present with myself, enjoying every moment, even though the experience would have been better if I was in the company of someone I enjoyed spending time with
With nowhere to be, and no rush to do anything at all, I continued my walk to the river. I sat under a specific tree I like to take comfort from. Watching the world go by, taking in the energy of the morning sun was delightful. Still, the difficult energy was coming through. I couldn't settle as I normally do. I was feeling energetically very sensitive. It was more crowded than it usually was that time of day too. I went to a few favourite spots, but no place would settle me. I could feel myself fighting back some tears. I decided to give up, do some grocery shopping and head back home
As I'm on the approach to the final road that leads to home, I see my ex husband. It was the first time since my uncle's funeral I had seen him (March 2022). I was happy to see him this time. I wanted to run up to him, congratulate him on the birth of his children...the ones I couldn't give to him. I wanted to share with him that he is looking well. There is a part of me that felt the energy of when things were good between us. I saw him look my way then continue forward. My heart plummeted, Did he not see me or did he choose to ignore me? Either way, I was about to call out to him, but something stopped me. I don't know what this 'something' was, but I trust in it. With the two heavy bags of shopping, by breathing speeds up as tears begin to fill my eyes, I walk as quick as I can to get to my front door. The bags drop out of my hand onto the floor, as I get to the sofa to prop myself up...cue the huge release of the heart and tears
My thought process was that after all of these years, even though I decided to go no contact after our divorce as that is what I needed to do to get my head around many things, as a man who once loved a woman, would he not want to stop and speak with her? Would he not still have some level of care for her after she done and gave all she could to make him the happiest she could make him? In a way, it gave me some closure. Fitting as it's now 4 years almost to the day that we parted ways for good. Perhaps he genuinely did not see me. Either way, it has shown me that any bitterness or resentment I was holding towards the situation has now left me. The fact that I felt able to hold a conversation with him, should it have worked out that way, and the fact that I was happy to see him looking well, walking with confidence and his head held high
You see, I no longer held onto the pain of what was, or what was not. I let it all go. I recognise that although I done all I could to try and make him happy, I didn't do all I could at the time for myself. I didn't allow my voice to be heard in the relationship. When I did, I was not given the space I needed. Thoughts and feelings invalidated. I didn't pursue my own goals and dreams, only another's. I didn't hold myself. I let things slide from the start, big things that were both red flags and unacceptable behaviour. I set a president from the start that I would be a yes person, that I would allow him to do whatever he wanted and I would be there for him, putting his needs over mine time and time again. I wanted to convince myself I had made the right choice of life partner, I didn't want to admit that I was wrong. I wanted to play happy families and create a life for myself that I did not have growing up. This would have been fine if I aligned myself with a partner who respected boundaries, and who had emotional maturity and self awareness. Perhaps at the time I was happy to play the mother, the good girl role. I lost myself in a relationship, being a character I didn't want to be
None of this experience was ever wasted, For a long time I fixated on wondering if he recognised how much he took from me? If he recognised how much I bent and broke for the man I loved with all of my heart? But now, as I continue on my spiritual journey and become more self aware, I see why I kept myself in the situation for as long as I did. The desperation to be loved in any way possible. The desperation to share the love I have in my heart. I now carry a saying with me which is "how a person treats me is their karma, and how I treat another is mine". This saying has prevented me from becoming cold hearted. It has enabled me to continue to share my big, beautiful heart with the world, along with everything I have. I have learned to recognise boundaries, that I can only give all of this when I have the energy to do so
I also have a 75% and 25% rule. Of course, life has it's ups and downs, and no matter how much we love someone, there will be clashes. These are inevitable. What happens when you're both stressed, and one doesn't have the energy to hold or balance the other? There will be a clash. What is important is the conflict resolution, and how often these clashes happen. So, for me personally, and I have found that when I share this with my clients, they seem to resonate, that if things work well 75% of the time, I make a 25% allowance for life to cause strife. I also adopt this aspect within myself too. For someone who struggles with a food addiction and in the past self harm, I give myself a 75% buffer to be taking optimum care of myself, and a 25% allowance to have some comfort days where I don't take care of myself as I should do. We can't be perfect all of the time, but we can certainly try!
Much love, Abby
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