My Autism Spectrum Diagnosis at the age of 38

Sunday 28^th June 2026. I had an autism assessment where I was expecting to be told it was not that. I don’t usually feel validated so why would I expect to be this time? I was expecting to wait months for an assessment, but it happened in days. I was expecting to wait another few months to a diagnosis, but it happened as soon as the assessment was over. Conformation of Level One Autism Spectrum Diagnosis. My preffered term is neurodivergent. It feels better. Easier to understand. A miscommunication within my nerual pathways of which I am unable to keep under control.

Since I was a child, I felt as though I didn’t fit in. I wanted to be happy. At times I genuinley felt I was. At times I felt anything but. There was no inbetween. I would put on a performance so others thought I was fine. I didn't want to be an inconvenience. Those who knew me well saw a different version of me. In my own home I was often labelled as miserable, yet my primary care giver made no attempt to seek support to help me through. My special awareness disappeared when I was in my own zone of hyper-focus, resulting in many breakages of my primary care giver’s precious lamps and vases. It was never deliberate; I just couldn’t gage how much room I had around me. If something new was placed in a location I had learned to trace, I wouldn’t account for it being there. I was labelled as destructive and miserable. Often laughed at and mocked…in the very same space that is designed to keep me safe. I was fed, well kept, clean, provided for in ways that would see my primary caregiver as doing a good job.

I had struggled to fit into one space, so I flowed into different friendship groups, ready for when my favourite person was ready to walk away from me. I got absorbed into a relationship at 19, with him becoming my favourite person, which meant me neglecting everyone and everything else other than the life we were trying to build. It wasn’t an ok situation. It worked until it didn’t work. It worked until I stopped making him my focus. It stopped working until the dynamic with my sister changed. It stopped working until the dynamic with him and my sister changed. I was just imagining everything, of course, being psychotic and needing to be locked up in a mental institute according to my primary caregiver, even though she advised me that she told them to be careful…go figure that one out.

A ’failed’ marriage was something I was dealing with at the age of 33. I always believed that once I got married it would be for life. I will always stay, and work through things, time and time again, until I have reached my level of tolerance for disrespect and dishonesty. I guess seeing the flirtation and banter, and the deceit from three people who are supposed to want to protect me, what else was there to do but remove myself from whatever game I had found myself in? I felt like a laughingstock.

In a bid to look after myself because no one else was, I created a new life. I didn’t know how I wanted this to look, I didn't know how to navigate it, other than take things day by day and listen to what I needed for myself. at first, I needed isolation, and then, validation. I needed to feel wanted and desired. I took to a dating app. I let myself be placed in situations where I would receive this. Some spontaneous, some planned. Some healing, some surprising, and some were very, very dangerous. I would do things I didn't really want to do because I felt it was safer to let it happen than to speak up. I then decided that the only way to keep myself safe was to hibernate into isolation again. Lockdown helped with this. A choice taken from me. A welcome relief as I had an excuse, along with the rest of the world, to not have to keep up a performance.

When it felt safe I would make a reappearance, navigating another journey of seeking the connection I craved. I had my internal connection, and my spiritual connection. The only thing missing was a physical connection. I didn’t want that physical connection in the ways I needed before. I wanted softness. I wanted romance. I wanted to build a life with someone; fun and adventure. Laughter, experiences. I wanted someone who could embrace and accept the love and affection I'm bursting to give. I wanted someone to be there for me, not to be used and discarded only when it suited them. I didn’t want to be useful only in the bedroom. And so, I navigated something different. Still, I went back to his after meeting him for the first time. It felt good. I felt as though I was treated better. We were attending a course together, so I knew I would be seeing him again. There were traits that didn’t feel good, and this time, I saw them and acknowledged them instead of ignoring them. For me, that was a big win. I started to set small boundaries, which was a very brave thing to do. I felt a shift. His defensiveness. I’m not going to allow myself to be absorbed in someone else’s world. There was no interest of me, only what I could give him. I’m not prepared to constantly be compared to his ‘model’ ex-girlfriend. I wasn’t going to be looked after within my heart, so I cut the connection.

Now through a cycle of wanting someone familiar I had met online. I can’t having him. He doesn't want me in that way. Hello new hyper fixation! How do I navigate this? How do I detach myself? Why can I not let him go? Why will he not let me go? I threw myself into work, into supporting people, into growing and expanding, placing my energy where it was wanted and needed. Wanting, but not feeling as though I needed a relationship anymore because I was fulfilled in other ways. The ins and outs of ‘my person’, who clearly was not my person, caused me to evaluate someone I let slip through my fingers a few years prior. This man was potentially very good for me. I felt calm around him. We’d met in a London park, shared a nice walk and a coffee. He was interested in getting to know me but not in a pushy way. One time he reached out but I was so wrapped up in my emotions that I was in full blown avoidance, with everything being too much to tolerate. I couldn’t explain to him that I had just received a nasty phone call from my caregiver. I was unable to explain to him that I miscarried another man’s child a few months ago and I'm still grieving. I was unable to explain that I had just seen this other man's brother's name pop up in my work files. I was unable to explain to him that I was in a huge amount of pain, and that a cuddle was all I needed. It's what he was asking for. Instead, I blocked him. Deleted him number. It isn’t this man I should have done this to, but another. This was almost 6 years ago now, and to this day, I hold on to that regret. What if he was the person I had been looking for, and now I complain because I pushed away him away? Sorry Pete!

Fast forward a few years later to a new connection. He was caring. He would look after me in little ways. I would spend time in his establishment, as a regular customer. He gave me a gift. He invited me over. We spent a wonderful night. It was my birthday. I had received some aggression from one of my ‘friends’ that morning and was feeling incredibly hurt. I went out for lunch with a friend. The streets were busy. My head was busy. My emotions were busy. Everything was intense. I wasn’t having any pressure relieved from me. I was vulnerable. Very, very vulnerable. And this guy clocked it. I wanted cake, and no, not that kind of cake! A genuine piece of chocolate cake to enjoy with a cup of tea and unwind for the day…I got another kind of cake too, in the end. I received some much-needed comfort. I was nurtured, held and taken care of, and this is where I fell into another trap. We shared something for a time, until I became inconvenient in his life. Until I discovered he had been dishonest about his true circumstances. Until I started to see the situation for what it was. I was devastated. I thought I finally found someone who cared. I thought it could go somewhere. I chose to pull away and not allow anymore coffee visits.

I am beginning to realise, at the age of 38, that I’m not sure I will ever be able to navigate a relationship. I reflect on a situation at college where I thought a friend who I had developed deep feelings for was going to tell me he saw me as more than a friend. He told me something else. I didn’t question it. I didn’t say “but I like you”, or “what about me?” I accepted, with much pain and heartache that I was not enough, that he saw something better in someone else. I carried this for years. Questioning, even to this day, how different would my life have been if I had been able to speak up for myself and seek clarity. I was afraid of ruing the friendship, which sadly faded anyway.

There have been other male friendships over the years who I felt I could be very comfortable in a relationship with, but I find it difficult to bring it to the surface. I did, once, and got rejected, and I kept trying because of my experience of not speaking up for myself. So, I kept quiet when I felt there was a possibility with someone else. The same pattern repeated a few years ago. I met up with a friend after lockdown ended. We were at Tower Bridge, on a cold winter’s day. It seemed as though he was going to lean into kiss me, but then pulled back, before making a point of trying to speak with other random women. It’s these situations I can’t read. My mind flickers between needing to know what the real intention was but not being able to directly ask. I don’t believe this friend would intentionally play with me or want me to feel bad, but for whatever reason, he backed off and I’ve assumed that I’m just not what he is looking for. Did I really misinterpret the situation? We’ve shared other moments where it felt as though we could get close. Regardless, he gave me a huge amount of healing when I left my ex-husband. It wasn’t planned. It organically happened. I was held through the night for the first time in years. My head was everywhere. Recovering from a change in a number of circumstances, not knowing what I needed, so much to work through.

My overall problem: How can I receive what I need when I am unable to verbalise what I need? How can I seek clarity when I am in fear of the answer? How can I communicate with someome who doesn't understand me? Is it theor inability to process, or mine to articulate? How do I know when I'm genuinely miscommunicating with someone, and when they want me to be scrambled for their own benefit?

When it comes to presenting facts and figures, when it comes to sitting with another to work through things, I’m sharp, I’m receptive and I flow. I can contain another. What I struggle to do is to find the truth of my heart and mind. I struggle to clearly express my needs. Things get lost in translation. Receiving a diagnosis has caused me to have more questions than answers. I have not had that huge relief moment where I thought something would suddenly click and everything would make sense. This is to be expected when it feels as though the world is moving far too fast than my mind can process. This is to be expected when it takes so long for my brain to realise what is happening, as my nervous system feels it quickly and intensely, and my heart has its own needs.

A saving grace for me has been a space I have been facilitating over the last 16 weeks. I have been sitting in a room full of people who are also trying to understand themselves. Hearing them navigate their own struggles has provided me with a huge amount of acceptance. I created a space not only for them, but have come to realise, for myself. It has reminded me the importance of creation, and how many people are involved in creating that space.

In finally having the courage to meet my needs with fear and vulnerability, I am now receiving clarity and the care I need. I don't know what comes next, as my diagnosis is fresh and yet to be received by my medical team. I don't know what it means for me, other than it does not change anything about me. Perhaps, in time, I will feel some reliefe. Perhaps, in time, having a label I am able to share with others will help create a safe space for understanding to occur. My biggest realisation is that unless I face vulnerability and fear I will always be feeling stuck in life. I feel very proud of myself for no longer avoiding the steps I need to take in life.

Thank you for your presence today.

Abby x