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The Dark Side of Healing

Today I realised that as a light-worker, sometimes you have to be the one to trigger someone you care about during their own healing journey. Understanding that this too is a test for me to see how I deal with this; how I channel this energy, and how I perceive their reaction in terms of projecting themselves onto me because they don't want to admit some uncomfortable truths. Adding to this, I've been picking up on a collective of Divine Feminine's going through a dark night of the soul. This got me thinking about my own journey and how I even got through these incredibly difficult, gut-wrenchingly painful moments.

I myself didn't feel I had anyone to turn to during my spiritual awakening. I didn't know anyone who had gone through one. The information I was coming across helping to guide me were posts I had been guided to find, and random things to do with spirituality started to appear on my TikTok feed, which is when I found out what a Twin Flame was, and that I was one of them. My own spiritual awakening really ramped up in early June 2020 which is when my actual ascension process started. During late 2018, early 2019 I came across a tarot reader on YouTube. I wasn't looking for them, it just popped up and as I liked her energy gave my monthly sign a watch. The yearly readings were interesting and I remember being amazed at how accurately I resonated. At the time I was 11 years into a relationship, 6 years of them as a 'wife' and well and truly on a painful fertility journey.

I was never brought up around religion though I remember being quite interested in it as a child. My mother's friend would take me to church some Sunday's and I actually enjoyed it, I always found churches very warm and inviting. I loved singing the hymns during assembly at school. I was drawn to the odd YouTube tarot reading as mentioned already. The date that really stands out to me is 7th May 2019, when I visited the Temple of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, standing tall on Mount Tibidabo in Barcelona. It was just two days after I had suffered yet another miscarriage. By this time I realised that I was in an incredibly unhappy marriage, one of which I was in the process of working out my escape route, yet staying out of fear of the unknown. I was blown away when I walked into this Church, it felt like no other; a truly remarkable atmosphere that felt somewhat recognisable to me. For the first time I sat with myself, and God. I lit a candle and said a prayer, not expecting anything, however the release and just sitting and having that quiet time felt very special and much needed. For the first time in my 32 years of life I actually prayed for myself, my own happiness, a solution to my problems, for my burdens to be lifted. I remember praying that my next partner would have the qualities I desired, someone who had the same ideologies as I do, and someone who didn't expect me to be anyone other than my true authentic self. I left the Church and put that moment to the back of my mind not really believing in the power of Prayer, let alone God.

Fast forward to October 2019. I don't know how (well I do, spirit were guiding me, I just wasn't fully connected to my higher self) but I plucked up the courage to end my marriage and somehow ended up with the flat. As I was the one ending the marriage I fully expected to have to leave and temporarily live with a family member until I found a flat-share as that would have been the only option affordable to me living in London on a relatively low income. After a few months of taking some time to myself I started to put myself out there in terms of dating, wanting a bit of fun, nothing serious. I wanted to experience a pick n mix so to speak to see if I can discover what it is that actually takes my fancy. I was someone who had very low self esteem and confidence. I wasn't happy with my body shape, didn't think I was particularly attractive and not much experience in the bedroom and the thought of sleeping with someone else after so long was petrifying! Little did I know I would end up connecting with my Twin Flame/Divine Counterpart/Perfect Match/Soulmate/Lover/Casual/Business Partner/Pain in the cute butt (we don't like to use labels), the first person I had arranged to meet and the only person who really caught my attention even though I seemed to be a very popular piece of candy (a concept which took me many months to get my head around why I was getting so much attention). There was something about him, I was drawn to him like a magnet but couldn't figure out why that was. The very first conversation on the phone was like speaking with a friend I'd known for many years, then the first time we met up, I felt so comfortable around him yet I was always quite a nervous character, especially around someone I didn't know. I didn't think he was going to want to see me again, then a message was received when he arrived home telling me how much he enjoyed me. It was nice to feel respected and appreciated for a change.

Meeting this person caused me to start weekly therapy sessions with a psychologist. I had a feeling that things may be going somewhere with him, and even if not him, the next relationship I get into I want to get into because I want to be in one; not through co-dependency. I didn't want to let past trauma get in the way of me having a healthy relationship; I didn't want to project my insecurities onto someone new and I owed it to myself to be happy. Weekly therapy sessions were getting intense, especially during lockdown, and I had a lot on my plate. I was healing from a lot of past trauma, going through a spiritual awakening, a lot of hidden truths about my upbringing and my marriage were starting to come to light, not being able to see friends, family and colleagues, not being able to see someone I had genuine feelings for and was just starting to get to know, realising that the reason I ended up in a toxic relationship (false twin if the labeling helps you resonate) was because of my own unhealthy family dynamic, trying to take CIMA (finance qualification) exams, oh did I mention all of this while going through a divorce. Let's add the loss of a twin pregnancy into the mix for good measure. Wait, I'm not done, full separation from my twin, for a number of weeks on an energetic 5D level as well as physical. I'm still standing because I'm a stubborn arse. Also, the knowing that I will be reuniting with my twin some point in this life...that genuinely is the one thing that has got me through my dark night of the soul. There's been more than one over the last few months.

So, how did the dark night of the soul look for me? Everything I knew about myself, who I was and what I stood for was being ripped away. I felt completely alone, didn't speak to anyone about it because I didn't think anyone would understand. My very first experience of kundalini energy was terrifying. It was incredibly intense, I remember my whole body shaking, seeing colours flashing. I only knew what it was because I was guided to do some research via something I viewed online. I had an encounter with the man I grew up with believing to be my father. I had a flashback of an incredibly painful moment I experienced as I child. His spirit came to visit me, I also had a clear vision of an event that happened in his life, I didn't know how to deal with all of this, or how to handle it. I thought this was just a one off experience and that it was because I was going through my intense therapy and having some painful emotions brought up.

I then realised that I was communicating telepathically with my twin flame. I genuinely thought I was going mad, that I was having an unhealthy obsession over someone and it was all in my head. One day I was having a telepathic conversation with him. I received a download of information, I remember feeling really mad, so much so that I was in tears, falling to the kitchen floor, telling him not to tell me this way. The reason I was pleading this is because I couldn't trust that I was really communicating with him, in fact it wasn't until a few days later when I received a WhatsApp message confirming part of the information I had received, that I realised I was actually hearing him and picking up his feelings and energy. To this day, I don't know if he was consciously connecting with me back then, or if it was his higher self. A conversation I'm waiting to happen. To realise that I have the ability to pick up on others' energy, feelings and just have this 'knowing' of information was incredibly overwhelming and a lot to take on.

The darkest of my moments, and one when I was reliving having those suicidal thoughts, the pain feeling too much to bear that I had collapsed on the bedroom floor, feeling an intense amount of pain in my heart, was when I saw a vision of a little boy drowning. This happened just a couple of days after I had lost the first of the twin pregnancy. Bear in mind that I didn't even know I was pregnant when I lost them...the first happened two weeks after conception when I passed what was clearly a fertilised embryo, and the second one mid August after having taken three pregnancy tests and having them all come back as negative. I blamed myself for the second loss for two reasons; it happened two days after I went out for a drinking session as a belated birthday celebration. It wasn't until the following week when I went to the hospital for a check up that I realised that the fetus had actually stopped growing two weeks prior to the loss. Though still a traumatic time, the self blame of the loss occurring to my drinking session had subsided. It was still weighing heavy on my mind that I made a decision to have a copper coil fitted within the 5 day window after intercourse as emergency contraception. Had this caused the loss and stopped the growth? Although I had had a number of miscarriages in the past, this one was very different. A body had started to form, I could clearly see facial features, the start of some arms. I was in a state, trembling, shaking. All the while thinking about the image of the drowning boy.

I remembered thinking that I don't want this gift if this is the kind of thing I'm going to see. I was so very angry with the universe; Why am I going through all of this? Have I not been through enough? I wasn't able to think with a clear mind, not thinking about the lessons I was being taught because I had too much going on and was in too much pain. The only source of comfort I had through all of this was knowing that my person's higher self was with me through this ordeal. He wasn't able to show up in the physical sense, not because he didn't want to, but because he was unable to. It's important to remember that there is a difference. I felt him energetically hold me so very, very tight on a number of occasions. At times when I would be in floods of tears I would feel his energy, we would be connecting with me telepathically, I could feel him holding my hand the whole time.

To add some humour to the situation, I literally had a breakdown and was cursing and screaming one day over the zip on my 'Emma' mattress getting jammed...all I wanted to do was wash the cover after having leaked!! I have no idea what the neighbours must have thought!! I contacted them and they sent me a new one which arrived in just a few days, very good customer service I must say.

I went for a Psychic reading, my second one, in late August. I had it confirmed that the image of the boy I had seen was in fact my son in a past life. I gave her a location, name and age, information which I had been given to me via my own downloads. His name was Graham, he was 12 and lived in Weymouth, Dorset. I found it very interesting that Weymouth was a place my mother used to take me yearly as a child. One day, when she fell asleep on the beach, leaving my sister, just a child herself, to look after me (I must have been 3, maybe 4, so I was told), I ran off down the beach, was found by my mother sharing a pack of crisps with a young boy. To this day I do wonder if there is any link. I had also received a download of information about my person and one of the karmic situations they had got themselves into. My heart broke for him. He had already gone through that once, yet there he was having to go through it again and I wasn't even able to help him. Having these things verified somehow eased me. I could trust my intuition, I'm more gifted than I realise. It also gave me some closure on me blaming myself for the losses. I was told that this had to happen this way, the spirit babies were not ready to come through, there is a plan further down the line (slight panic attack), and that these things happen to teach both the parents a lesson and for the spirits of the babies a lesson too. I was also told that this little spirit was quite boisterous (help me) and very eager to get going on his mission (I went a little cherry faced, he most definitely takes after me...patience was definitely a lesson I needed to learn). It also helped me to relieve some anger I was carrying towards my masculine for not showing up for my physically. I had to keep reminding myself of the nights I layed in bed and felt him by my side. It's actually quite interesting that I felt more supported this time round than I ever did with my previous; I had a physical body with me but no emotional, or physical support come to think of it. Yet this time around I had the emotional support on an energetic level but not physical. A weird situation to find myself in.

Once the dust settled I had to deal with the head fuck of the realisation that I had actually fallen pregnant in the first place, something that was never possible for me in the past, not without fertility drugs anyway. I had put the idea of conceiving children to bed. I had dealt with the pain of moving forward in life not being able to conceive a child. Oh, add to the guilt of not wanting to fall pregnant in the first place and the fact that I actually wanted this outcome was weighing very, very heavy on my mind. I realised that I hadn't grieved for my previous losses. Knowing what my masculine was going through, I realised that we were both healing trauma from the same timeline. I was going through my losses and worst time of my marriage at the same time my masculine was going through his karmic situation before we even got together. Did I add that I had a 'friend' around me working some dark magic too? As well as everything else going on, I was at a point where I didn't know who I could trust. People I thought I knew, I didn't know at all. The only two people I could trust were friends and work colleagues. One of them was always very good at checking in with me to genuinely make sure I was ok. Thankfully my line manager was very supportive, understanding about my situation, and even put up with me being an emotional wreck on that fateful date in August. Realising that my whole life had been a lie was no fun. I couldn't even turn to the one person who was always very good at calming me, my masculine, because I knew he had to heal, as did I.

The pain of separation being too much to bear sometimes. I understand and am actually thankful we had to part for a while. In that time I've grown so much. I learnt to have patience (who would have thought?!), manage my emotions, actually let them out, speak my truth, lean on people, I started my own business, learnt to trust my intuition, find out who I am and how I want to move forward in my light work. I've been able to channel my energy via my creativity. I've come up with a few poems through my painful experiences. There were times, don't get me wrong when I became a vegetable. I was being so hard on myself for falling back into 'old ways'. Those thoughts of me feeling as though the World would be better off without me came creeping back in. I actually stood on the platform of the tube some days thinking I could easily let a tube train take me. The only thing stopping me was the inconvenience I would cause those on their way home, then I thought about that poor driver who would have to live with that for the rest of their life. One day I was at the beach, staring at the ocean literally wanting it to wash me away. I thought about running in and letting the tide take me. This was all back in September when I was struggling to process everything. The only thing that stopped me allowing the tide to sweep me away was the image of my past life son drowning. How can I do this to myself knowing what he went through? That image all of a sudden turned into a blessing. My thoughts then turned to my masculine. I know I caused him a great deal of pain in a past life with the way I left the World; could I really do the same again? At one point I wondered if he would even care. No wonder he wanted to run away from me. I already caused him so much pain and no doubt he remembered that which triggered him. Why would he want to commit to someone unstable?

When I look back at everything I've been through in such a short space of time, the only thing that has saved me is my connection with Divine and my masculine. Through that connection I'm able to keep the faith that even on dark days, the light will shine again. I am always protected by so many angels and spirits. In every dark situation there is a lesson to be learned; it's a matter of allowing yourself enough time to process those raw, uncomfortable emotions and then once you start to come around again, write down what it is you were processing. If writing isn't your thing, try using art therapy. There are many times when I've taken a pencil and scribbled so hard on a piece of paper. It releived a lot of stress and actually led me to realising that I can paint...just about! Whenever you find yourself being triggered, just know that it is actually for your greater good. You need to be at a point in your healing where you're open to change and process those raw emotions. Some things happen as a test of faith. Do you trust in spirit to make good for you again? If something isn't working for you and you keep hitting a brick wall, what are not changing in your life? What does need changing? Are you blocking yourself? When you start a healing process it's important to be open minded, and know at least in some capacity where you want to go. You can't have expectations of instant gratification. If you do, then your not allowing unconditional love to flow; you're doing something to get something back and not from the goodness of your own heart. I had to learn a harsh lesson of letting go of control. I thought I had been dealt all my lessons but then I was given another one to learn recently. Today I realised that as a light-worker, even though you love someone, you have to be the 'bad' person and trigger them, deal them a dose of tough love and teach them to stand on their own two feet.

It's important to remember on the healing journey that as long as you are open to change your ways and learn some lessons, you're always right where you need to be. You will never be dealt anything that you're not able to process or handle. You have free will, of course, to not follow your divine plan and live life in the matrix. If you choose that, that's ok, it just means that this life isn't the life for you to receive your abundance. Spirit is always wanting to work with you, but you have to call on them, actively be helping yourself; nothing will just magically land in your lap. As the lyrics in Almost There from The Princess and the Frog go: "Fairy tales can come true, you gotta make 'em happen, it all depends on you. So I work real hard, each and everyday, now things for sure are going my way".

Now, I'm at a point in my healing where my abundance is starting to come through. I'm very much balanced. Sure, there are still some uncomfortable days, such is life. I have learned to channel my energy and call on my masculine telepathically (he NEVER fails to come through for me) and spirit too. In return for the abundance I receive daily, I make sure I give thanks. I pray every night, not only for myself, but for my nearest and dearest, and on the odd occasion the collective and others in my life who need an extra helping hand. When I'm out on a walk I give thanks to Gaia for her beautiful World, also when I'm standing outside having a cup of tea- the magnificent cloud formations, the beautiful moon, the leaves dancing, the birds flying. Give thanks to it all.

If you're new to prayer and not really sure where to start I'll leave you with my ritual. I start with the Lord's Prayer (I don't badge myself against any one religion as such, though I do tend to follow the Catholic Faith and opt for a Catholic Church when going to Pray), then immediately give thanks for today's lessons, blessings and abundance. As prayer is a very personal thing, just let things naturally flow. There is no one size fits all, it's your personal channel. I have left the Lord's Prayer below.

Our Father who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done

on earth, as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

and forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us,

and lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.


Sometimes I connect directly with Archangel Michael and offer a Prayer through him, which for me is a much shorter process, depends how heavy of a day I've had and how much I have to say I guess! That's ok too, whatever works for you.

If you are considering embarking on a healing journey, or are going through one and need some extra guidance, please do contact me on more information about sessions and prices

Please do also feel free to drop me a message in the chat. Even if I'm offline I'll pick it up as soon as I'm available. These sessions are tailor made so I'll consult with you and work with you around what it is you're wanting to achieve.

Take care, sending lots of love.

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